Hmm...

I just realized something.
I don't think I want to be an artist of any sort any longer.
Its sorta weird, everyone said I would be, and I used to be so confident and dead positive about it... Ever since kindergarten. Thats been like 11 years man. I drew even before kindergarten too. I changed my mind so many times. I wanted to be just an artist one point, a manga artist the next, concept artist, storyboard artist, a graphic designer, illustrator, work with maybe like, disney or pixar.
But
I do want to do art still, have a art room and do awesome things when I'm older, perhaps have a side job with it.

I never know what to draw for awhile now, and I never feel like...proud of anything. I feel like the magic and motivation has been sucked out of me. I have so many WIP's, and I just feel so unhappy because I can't achieve the effect I want in them. I want the viewer to feel how I felt when I made the art. I find myself drawing really negative things all the time, which I never post on here.
I feel like there's nothing special about me anymore. My grade eight teacher told me that God gives us talents for a reason, and we should use them for our full potentials...I really loved my grade eight teacher. I miss her kind words.
I just feel like I've failed or something. I have so so so so many people who love and care for me, and I realize it, I see it. I have the greatest friends I could seriously ever ask for. I'm always so assured, I feel so safe with my best friends. I feel like I've failed them too, because I'm so worried...its nothing anyone else can solve, but I don't know how I could solve it either. I just want to smile for you guys; smile genuinely. I love you

Things have been really difficult for me...I'm paying for my university education alone, and I MUST be successful. I have no risk of like, floundering around with different moderate small jobs concerning art with low pay. That's how it is at first...but I won't have a home if something goes wrong.
I. Will. Not. Ruin. My. Adulthood.
I'm leaving my hometown once I'm 18 and moving on the other side of the country. I never want to see my households faces ever again. I still feel so depressed sometimes. Like I'm just sitting around waiting to age, become old enough to live alone.

But I'm gonna be a psychologist,
I reaally reeeeeaaally think it'd be a job I could feel happy about, I love helping and listening to people.
Although that's like seven years of university I must pay for, as well as grade wise now in high school.

God, I feel too stupid for every job.
And I MUST worry about it NOW. NOW. NOOOOWW.

My head is going to explode.
Im praying to God a miracle happens. I really need that right now.
I just want to be happy, I want to be hopeful, and I want to learn to love again.

I feel homesick,
Homesick to a place that doesn't even exist...




;__; im so sorry for whining.
I just don't know what to say... I wanted to be honest once, without going back, taking out sentences, editing paragraphs...
It helps me realize things in myself too.


---------------------------------------------------------------


<sub>Art WIP's
= Sketch
= Outline
= Base Colors
= Shading
= Background

Memorial of Alicia Drawing [ON HOLD}


Art trade with [Restart]


Edward and Alphonse [ON HOLD}


Main charrie Group Reference for Manga [ON HOLD}


"She flies with her own Wings" [ON HOLD}


FMA Comic strip [ON HOLD]


Realistic Portrait (death note related) [ON HOLD]


"Embarassment" [ON HOLD]


===

Cosplay WIP's and future cosplays
(Anything with "Already chosen" means its a bought item, but I haven't gotten it shipped/bought)

Edward Elric (FullMetal Alchemist)
- Red Cloak [100%]
- Black Jacket [80%]
- Pants [0%]
- Automail [60%]
- Wig [Already chosen]
- Gold Contacts [Already chosen]
- Pocket Watch [100% Its AWESOMME)
- Boots [10%]
- Belt [80%]

Rena Ryugu (Higurashi)
- White dress [70%]
- Hat [0%]
- Wig [Already Chosen]
- Knee Boots [0%]
- Over-knee Socks [Already Chosen]
- Blue Contacts [Already Chosen]
- Bloody Hook Cleaver (Axe) [10%]

Fumika (Shigofumi)
- Skirt [75%]
- Cape [0%]
- Uniform [0%]
- Wig [Already Chosen]
- Contacts [Already Chosen]
- Staff [0%]
- Shoes [0%]
- Knee Socks [100%]
- Hair Wraps [0%]

Misha (Pita Ten > Original Angel Outfit)
- Bunny headband [100%]
- Pink Wig [Already Chosen]
- Dangle Earrings (Need to find one for a 4ga stretched ear...lol.) [0%]
- Misha's Hat with bows [0%]
- Upper Part of Dress [0%]
- Frilly Dress Bottoms [100%]
- Shoes [50%]
- Wings [5%]

Alphonse Elric (Armour)
- ...
I dont know where to start with this. XD;;
Drafting = In process.</sub>